I have copied below a recent email from this friend. He is challenging our current decision to most like pursue international adoption. I will post my response below. I am posting this to my blog, as I feel like after examining motives and intentions, there is a clearer reasoning behind our decision. So, I thought I would share.
From my friend,
So I read a bit about your adoption thoughts on your blog. So I am going to weigh in. I think the most noble thing to do is adopt an unwanted older child from this country. However, most of our actions are not noble, and there is no point in fooling ourselves into thinking they are. For example, I have some very well off friends who are very environmentally conscious and have adopted two babies from China. They are wonderful people and some of my best friends, but in no way do I think their actions are noble. Take environment first. They buy all the most environmentally conscious products they can, but they live in a 5,000 plus square foot house and have all the comforts modern life has to offer. I am sure their energy consumption is much much more than yours and Eli's little West Asheville house, and I am sure there are many many others who live simpler, and thus more environmentally friendly than you guys. They can state they saved a couple of babies from China, but I have to say it is much much more stylish in the "upper crust" to adopt from China than a multiracial child here. Anyway, I just have to call bullshit on the their life choices being "noble" but hey they live a great life. Others have great lives by buying big V-10 trucks, the fastest boat on the lake, and having sex with lots of women and having illegitimate children all over the place. They are just real, they are having fun, not living "noble" lives. Though I am all for making some selfish decisions to enhance one's life, I think everyone should make a large number of noble decisions. Take jobs in this country (which I think parallels foreign adoption to some degree). I enhances our lives to buy a whole lot of inexpensive stuff made in China. How about if you were a manufacturer life me. It could greatly enhance my life to have I9 wheels made in China. I would be able to enjoy a whole lot more profit, and many suggest I do just that. However, I refuse to. Partially because I am noble and I realize people need jobs in this country to, so I employ them. Partially, I am selfish, I just enjoy manufacturing. Partially I am just smart. I realize that innovation comes from making the stuff, not having someone else do it, thus I will have a stronger, more cutting edge and innovative company by manufacturing in the States. We all need to support our communities more. Partially because it is the right thing to do, partially because it is smart. Do you want a bunch of unwanted babies growing up in your community to one day become criminals and thus reduce the quality of your life. I would not bring a problem older child into my home and possibly greatly reduce the quality of my natural children's lives, but I just cannot see a valid concern with adopting an infant multi-racial child. It might be ever so slightly uncomfortable in the community, but there are so so so many other things that can tarnish lives, that this one seems insignificant to the point of being absurdly insignificant. I mean you could worry about raising a kid that was not as athletic as the most athletic kids, or as smart, or how about not as good looking? I just think there is a need in our community to adopt these children, and from a selfish standpoint, which we all possess, I just don't think it is very bad at all.
So, I took a couple days to think about everything he said. He made some points, but I felt like he did not have all the needed information to make a truly educated opinion.
Here is my response. Sorry it is so long, but it was a good way for me to organize my thoughts on this matter as I have spent a lot of time contemplating this adoption decision.
First, I believe you are right. The most noble thing to do would be adopt an older child, maybe one with special needs. But, as you said, I am not wanting to bring a potential harmful thing into our lives. I want to be as "safe as possible", while knowing that nothing is "safe", their are risks in everything. Having your own baby, adopting a baby, adopting an older child. There is absolutely no guarantee. But we now have a beautiful and perfect baby, and I don't want to take on a known challenge as large as that and quite possibly disrupt our lives and her life in that manner. So, that is our decision, we will not adopt an older child. At least not at this point in our lives.
Now, let me address your point about your friends that adopted the children from China. I agree, it seems to be a popular "upper crust" thing to do, to adopt internationally. And even more so recently with Angelina and Brad's adoptions and I think Madonna too, right? I have struggled with this one, because typically that is what I see. Well off people, living wealthy, maybe not very "noble" lives in other manners, and adopting babies from other countries. A "make your own family" if you will. But not all people adopt from other countries with those circumstances. There are many other reasons why people choose international. They may not qualify for domestic adoption, they may have been burned by domestic (I know quite a few people who have tried to adopt domestically and had their heart broken numerous times before deciding on foreign, because it was "safer." No birth mom to change their mind.) They may feel very strongly about adopting a child from a country where the alternatives would be starvation, or prostitution, or worse. That seems pretty noble.
There is the idea, that we should take care of our own first. And that is something that Eli and I are still in the process of contemplating, researching, and thinking about. I see your argument about adopting a multiracial child " Do you want a bunch of unwanted babies growing up in your community to one day become criminals and thus reduce the quality of your life". But I am not so sure there is a 1:1 correlation here. If we adopt a domestic "other race" baby, I am not sure that means that there will be one less criminal out on the streets. I have been doing a lot of research on where the need is for adopting. While there is more need for adoptive parents to adopt an African American infant, or a mixed race infant, there are still waiting hopeful parents out there. We would still write out a dear birth mother letter and be put on a waiting list until someone chose us. Those babies getting ready to be born have waiting parents, they are not ending up on the streets. The real need is for African American couples to adopt these babies. There are birth mothers who will not place their baby with a white family. The problem is not really that we need more people to adopt the black babies, we need the system to support and reach out to potential adoptive African American families. There are enough black homes for the black babies, but the adoption criteria and the ways the agencies are run, often exclude the potential adoptive black families due to poor advertising, financial matters, etc. Maybe our energies need to go to finding ways to enable African American families to adopt these infants.
Another point you brought up was relating international adoption to international production. I can see why you made that argument, but there are some very important differences. One, international adoption is not cheaper by any stretch of the imagination. The average cost of adoptions is about the same either domestic or international. It is also not necessarily out of convenience either as it is quite a complicated and stressful process to adopt internationally. As far as enhancing one's life. I think it could be argued that either would enhance one's life. I don't think my life would be more enhanced by a foreign baby than a domestic or vice versa. My concern is for the happiness and future of the child.
" but I just cannot see a valid concern with adopting an infant multi-racial child. It might be ever so slightly uncomfortable in the community, but there are so so so many other things that can tarnish lives, that this one seems insignificant to the point of being absurdly insignificant"
As far as your above statement goes, I again see your point. But I will tell you that I have been doing a lot of reading, research, and talking to transracial adoptees about this issue. I am in the process of reading a book that is totally interviews of African American and biracial adults that were adopted by white parents and what it was like growing up like that. I also read a memoir of an African American man who was adopted by white parents. What I have been reading, and what I have been finding, is there may be a valid concern with adopting an infant multi-racial child. But not a valid concern for what we might go through as parents or what the community might think. That I don't care about. But the happiness and identity of the child is of utmost concern to me. You and I are white people. We have had white privileges our whole lives. We don't know what it is like to be a different color in America. That in and of itself I think can be worked around. Meaning, I think that love can transcend and can supply a supportive environment of a child dealing with racial issues. Sure, there will be issues coming up, and we may not be the best people to relate, but we sure would supply as much support and give all the love we can. But what would be hard, is supplying the child with a good "black identity". If we lived in a culturally diverse area (Asheville is pretty darn white bread), this would be much easier to come by. But when I look around me, I see white. Almost exclusively. I am not sure that Eli and I could supply an African American child with the opportunities to develop that much needed black identity. As I have been doing my reading and research, I am finding out how important this really is. And we might not be the best people for the job.
Now, if we wanted to do the easiest, cheapest thing, we would adopt an African American domestic infant. The tax benefits are greater, in this instance the total cost is less, and we wouldn't have to travel far distances. It would be the easier, cheaper thing to do. And yes, you might argue we would be helping our community.
Of course the real help would be foster to adopt. But, we are too afraid of falling in love with a baby and then having it taken from us and returned to a less than ideal situation. I am not sure I could handle that at this point in my life. I have also heard stories about people trying to go this route and having their hearts broken when at the last minute in the adoption process, a relative of the child comes along and takes the baby away. Total devastation, especially when you feel that they are going to a less than ideal situation. We might not be that noble.
Now a small, deeper look into international adoption. China, I am not so sure about. But the countries we have been looking into really need people to adopt their babies. I also just finished a book about the AIDS crisis in Africa and the millions and millions of AIDS orphans. Also, there is a good argument that the US had a pretty big role in the possible origin of AIDS, so in a way, we might be partly responsible. But millions and millions of babies in Africa without parents. With very poor alternatives. I will spare you the details, but it is not a good outlook for a girl growing up in Africa without parents. And not just Africa, other countries too.
So, yes, we need to support our community, but we also need to support our larger community - the human race, and do what we feel is best for all involved. At least that is what we are trying to do. Make the best decision for us, for Ella, for the adopted baby, and on a larger level, for the world.
Now, that being said, we haven't completely decided what avenue we are going to take. Still reading, talking, researching. Trying to make the smartest decision for our family.
I can honestly say that there has been no lack of learning, researching and soul searching on my part. We will be making the best decision that we know how to make.
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