Sometimes I just feel so lucky. This life that I am living right now just couldn't be any better. I feel I have the best husband in the world, I feel I have the best, most adorable, most precious baby girl in the world. We have a great house, live in a great town, have great pets, most of my siblings live here, my parents are close (but not too close). We have enough to eat, enough to heat, enough to sleep, we just have enough.
Sometimes I am afraid. I am afraid of losing something that is so dear to me. With great love comes the fear of losing that. I don't know how anyone can come away from losing a child. I can't even comprehend what it would be like. I try not to think about such things, but sometimes it is hard to keep away those thoughts. Sometimes I look at my baby girl, so perfect, so smart, so beautiful, and I think, "what if we lose this? what if something happens to her?" and then I start to feel a well of panic and fear start to rise up inside of me. Left alone, it might overtake, it might take control and cause all sorts of weird, controlling, and unhealthy behavior patterns. So, how does one keep such thoughts in check? At this point, I just try to redirect my thoughts, no use dwelling on them.
I guess that fear is there for a reason. You need to keep your children safe. You need to be careful and cautious because your baby will not be. But one must keep balance. Too much caution, too much fear, will just drive a person (and child) crazy.
I treasure every moment I have with my beautiful baby. Every moment. I do not forget because that would be the real tragedy. When she is sad, I treasure it. When she is happy, I treasure it. When she is hurting, I treasure it. When she laughs, I treasure it. When she is pooping on her little green potty, I treasure it. Every moment. Not because I am afraid of losing her, but because I know that these moments are always changing, nothing remains the same. And if I ever did lose her, or lose some of what she is, I will have every moment that I spent with her because I do not take it for granted. Maybe that is the beauty that can be found in a small dose of fear. I do not forget what beauty I have, I do not forget to cherish each moment.
Very nicely Written. Here is a poem for you.
ReplyDeleteI Dream
by SisterSongs
As I rock you late at night, and the moon streams softly through the shade,
I dream of you, my baby, how much you mean to me.
And when I close my eyes, I can't believe you're real.
I touch you just to see how beautiful you feel.
I dream of you, my baby.
As I hold you in my arms, scarce can breathe for fear you will be gone,
I dream of you, my baby, and how our lives will be.
I kiss your baby lips, the sweetest ever known,
I hold your baby hand, so soon you will be grown.
I dream of you, my baby.
My baby.
well said.
ReplyDeleteYou echo the love and fear of most of us mothers! And I know all about fear welling up and panic! However, as an old mother and now grandmother I know that every day our babies and then children and then young adults and then adults are in the process of moving on beyond us with every new developmental stage and they never belong to us. So I have given each of you kids to God, over and over again. That is the only way I can live free of that elemental fear, knowing that God loves you each so much more than I do and He is dependable and strong to keep you all, no matter what happens in your lives. Still is a daily discipline, though! Letting go and trusting.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I ever really loved in a deep unselfish way until I had my first baby. And with each one it was the same. I still love each of you in that same way... and now the grandbabies are equally precious. You are all constantly in my prayers, day and night.