Adoption update

All has been quiet on the adoption front these days. It started as a whirlwind and flurry of excitement, research, discussion, reading, talking to people, sleepless nights (for me anyway), and just lots and lots of thinking.

So, are we any closer to making a final decision?

We decided foreign adoption. Then we decided domestic. Then we decided foreign, but a different country. Then we decided domestic. Then we decided we didn't know what to decide. Then we started flipping coins (really). Then we quit deciding. That felt better.

Here is our quandary. The avenues of adoption that we feel would most fit in with our family at this point are not necessarily where the greatest need is. Yes, it is always important to have good families wanting to do private domestic adoption. And yes, there is a need to adopt foreign babies, but there is a waiting list for the babies. As soon as they enter the system they are adopted. So.....we are not sure where the need really is in those circumstances. From my research, I have found, that there are more waiting parents than there are babies needing parents (at least in the above avenues). So, the real need is foster to adopt, or foreign non-infants. And we don't think our family is ready for either of those options.

So, we wait. For now anyway. It may change again next week. But our current plan is, don't spend the $35,000 that we don't have. Wait a few years. Maybe have another baby biologically in the meantime because we really want to have two kids close to the same age. Then we feel that we might be ready for the relatively scary and unknown process of foster to adopt. Or we might want to adopt a child around 3 years old from a foreign country. But not now. We don't want to adopt a child older than Ella, and we don't want to invest time, energy, love, into a foster to adopt baby and then have it returned to it's family. We are not ready for that yet. But we might be later. There are just too many unknowns right now. So, the best thing for us to do is wait. And hope the adoption tax credit continues so that we may be able to take advantage of it in the future.

So that is the update. Thanks for reading.

Easter

Ella's first Easter.
We spent the day out at the homestead in Clyde. Ella of course was the center of attention. We put her in the backpack and took a walk in the woods behind the house.
Ella tolerated it so-so. She is a girl on the move and would much rather be down exploring and putting things in her mouth. Riding is boring.

She ate her dinner in my highchair I ate in as a baby. I just don't think that Ella will be feeding her baby in the highchair that she normally eats in. They just don't make things like they used to.....

And a video for the Ella lovers out there. Just for fun.

Varying opinions

I have a great friend that challenges my views and decisions. A friend like this is great because it really makes you stop for a moment and look into your mind and into your heart. When you come up for air after such a look, often the result is a clearer, more conscious decision. Sometimes the result may not even be what you thought. I think this is important. If we were not challenged to look into our hearts and our motives, we may not know what is truly in our hearts and/or behind our motives.

I have copied below a recent email from this friend. He is challenging our current decision to most like pursue international adoption. I will post my response below.  I am posting this to my blog, as I feel like after examining motives and intentions, there is a clearer reasoning behind our decision. So, I thought I would share.

From my friend,

So I read a bit about your adoption thoughts on your blog.  So I am going to weigh in.  I think the most noble thing to do is adopt an unwanted older child from this country.  However, most of our actions are not noble, and there is no point in fooling ourselves into thinking they are.  For example, I have some very well off friends who are very environmentally conscious and have adopted two babies from China.  They are wonderful people and some of my best friends, but in no way do I think their actions are noble.  Take environment first.  They buy all the most environmentally conscious products they can, but they live in a 5,000 plus square foot house and have all the comforts modern life has to offer.  I am sure their energy consumption is much much more than yours and Eli's little West Asheville house, and I am sure there are many many others who live simpler, and thus more environmentally friendly than you guys.  They can state they saved a couple of babies from China, but I have to say it is much much more stylish in the "upper crust" to adopt from China than a multiracial child here.  Anyway, I just have to call bullshit on the their life choices being "noble" but hey they live a great life.  Others have great lives by buying big V-10 trucks, the fastest boat on the lake, and having sex with lots of women and having illegitimate children all over the place.  They are just real, they are having fun, not living "noble" lives.  Though I am all for making some selfish decisions to enhance one's life, I think everyone should make a large number of noble decisions.  Take jobs in this country (which I think parallels foreign adoption to some degree).  I enhances our lives to buy a whole lot of inexpensive stuff made in China.  How about if you were a manufacturer life me.  It could greatly enhance my life to have I9 wheels made in China.  I would be able to enjoy a whole lot more profit, and many suggest I do just that.  However, I refuse to.  Partially because I am noble and I realize people need jobs in this country to, so I employ them.  Partially, I am selfish, I just enjoy manufacturing.  Partially I am just smart.  I realize that innovation comes from making the stuff, not having someone else do it, thus I will have a stronger, more cutting edge and innovative company by manufacturing in the States.  We all need to support our communities more.  Partially because it is the right thing to do, partially because it is smart.  Do you want a bunch of unwanted babies growing up in your community to one day become criminals and thus reduce the quality of your life.  I would not bring a problem older child into my home and possibly greatly reduce the quality of my natural children's lives, but I just cannot see a valid concern with adopting an infant multi-racial child.  It might be ever so slightly uncomfortable in the community, but there are so so so many other things that can tarnish lives, that this one seems insignificant to the point of being absurdly insignificant.  I mean you could worry about raising a kid that was not as athletic as the most athletic kids, or as smart, or how about not as good looking?  I just think there is a need in our community to adopt these children, and from a selfish standpoint, which we all possess, I just don't think it is very bad at all.

So, I took a couple days to think about everything he said. He made some points, but I felt like he did not have all the needed information to make a truly educated opinion.
Here is my response. Sorry it is so long, but it was a good way for me to organize my thoughts on this matter as I have spent a lot of time contemplating this adoption decision.

First, I believe you are right. The most noble thing to do would be adopt an older child, maybe one with special needs. But, as you said, I am not wanting to bring a potential harmful thing into our lives. I want to be as "safe as possible", while knowing that nothing is "safe", their are risks in everything. Having your own baby, adopting a baby, adopting an older child. There is absolutely no guarantee. But we now have a beautiful and perfect baby, and I don't want to take on a known challenge as large as that and quite possibly disrupt our lives and her life in that manner. So, that is our decision, we will not adopt an older child. At least not at this point in our lives.

Now, let me address your point about your friends that adopted the children from China. I agree, it seems to be a popular "upper crust" thing to do, to adopt internationally. And even more so recently with Angelina and Brad's adoptions and I think Madonna too, right? I have struggled with this one, because typically that is what I see. Well off people, living wealthy, maybe not very "noble" lives in other manners, and adopting babies from other countries. A "make your own family" if you will. But not all people adopt from other countries with those circumstances. There are many other reasons why people choose international. They may not qualify for domestic adoption, they may have been burned by domestic (I know quite a few people who have tried to adopt domestically and had their heart broken numerous times before deciding on foreign, because it was "safer." No birth mom to change their mind.) They may feel very strongly about adopting a child from a country where the alternatives would be starvation, or prostitution, or worse. That seems pretty noble.

There is the idea, that we should take care of our own first. And that is something that Eli and I are still in the process of contemplating, researching, and thinking about. I see your argument about adopting a multiracial child " Do you want a bunch of unwanted babies growing up in your community to one day become criminals and thus reduce the quality of your life". But I am not so sure there is a 1:1 correlation here. If we adopt a domestic "other race" baby, I am not sure that means that there will be one less criminal out on the streets. I have been doing a lot of research on where the need is for adopting. While there is more need for adoptive parents to adopt an African American infant, or a mixed race infant, there are still waiting hopeful parents out there. We would still write out a dear birth mother letter and be put on a waiting list until someone chose us. Those babies getting ready to be born have waiting parents, they are not ending up on the streets. The real need is for African American couples to adopt these babies. There are birth mothers who will not place their baby with a white family. The problem is not really that we need more people to adopt the black babies, we need the system to support and reach out to potential adoptive African American families. There are enough black homes for the black babies, but the adoption criteria and the ways the agencies are run, often exclude the potential adoptive black families due to poor advertising, financial matters, etc. Maybe our energies need to go to finding ways to enable African American families to adopt these infants.

Another point you brought up was relating international adoption to international production. I can see why you made that argument, but there are some very important differences. One, international adoption is not cheaper by any stretch of the imagination. The average cost of adoptions is about the same either domestic or international. It is also not necessarily out of convenience either as it is quite a complicated and stressful process to adopt internationally. As far as enhancing one's life. I think it could be argued that either would enhance one's life. I don't think my life would be more enhanced by a foreign baby than a domestic or vice versa. My concern is for the happiness and future of the child.

"  but I just cannot see a valid concern with adopting an infant multi-racial child.  It might be ever so slightly uncomfortable in the community, but there are so so so many other things that can tarnish lives, that this one seems insignificant to the point of being absurdly insignificant"

As far as your above statement goes, I again see your point. But I will tell you that I have been doing a lot of reading, research, and talking to transracial adoptees about this issue. I am in the process of reading a book that is totally interviews of African American and biracial adults that were adopted by white parents and what it was like growing up like that. I also read a memoir of an African American man who was adopted by white parents. What I have been reading, and what I have been finding, is there may be a valid concern with adopting an infant multi-racial child. But not a valid concern for what we might go through as parents or what the community might think. That I don't care about. But the happiness and identity of the child is of utmost concern to me. You and I are white people. We have had white privileges our whole lives. We don't know what it is like to be a different color in America. That in and of itself I think can be worked around. Meaning, I think that love can transcend and can supply a supportive environment of a child dealing with racial issues. Sure, there will be issues coming up, and we may not be the best people to relate, but we sure would supply as much support and give all the love we can. But what would be hard, is supplying the child with a good "black identity". If we lived in a culturally diverse area (Asheville is pretty darn white bread), this would be much easier to come by. But when I look around me, I see white. Almost exclusively. I am not sure that Eli and I could supply an African American child with the opportunities to develop that much needed black identity. As I have been doing my reading and research, I am finding out how important this really is. And we might not be the best people for the job.
Now, if we wanted to do the easiest, cheapest thing, we would adopt an African American domestic infant. The tax benefits are greater, in this instance the total cost is less, and we wouldn't have to travel far distances. It would be the easier, cheaper thing to do. And yes, you might argue we would be helping our community.

Of course the real help would be foster to adopt. But, we are too afraid of falling in love with a baby and then having it taken from us and returned to a less than ideal situation. I am not sure I could handle that at this point in my life. I have also heard stories about people trying to go this route and having their hearts broken when at the last minute in the adoption process, a relative of the child comes along and takes the baby away. Total devastation, especially when you feel that they are going to a less than ideal situation. We might not be that noble.

Now a small, deeper look into international adoption. China, I am not so sure about. But the countries we have been looking into really need people to adopt their babies. I also just finished a book about the AIDS crisis in Africa and the millions and millions of AIDS orphans. Also, there is a good argument that the US had a pretty big role in the possible origin of AIDS, so in a way, we might be partly responsible. But millions and millions of babies in Africa without parents. With very poor alternatives. I will spare you the details, but it is not a good outlook for a girl growing up in Africa without parents. And not just Africa, other countries too.

So, yes, we need to support our community, but we also need to support our larger community - the human race, and do what we feel is best for all involved. At least that is what we are trying to do. Make the best decision for us, for Ella, for the adopted baby, and on a larger level, for the world.

Now, that being said, we haven't completely decided what avenue we are going to take. Still reading, talking, researching. Trying to make the smartest decision for our family.
I can honestly say that there has been no lack of learning, researching and soul searching on my part. We will be making the best decision that we know how to make. 

This post is not about adoption or about Ella.

This post is just about me.

I had a great day today. I got to sleep in a little today because Eli took little Ella when she got up this morning and I was able to get a few extra Zzzzzs. Then I had a great French Toast breakfast which my wonderful husband also made for me. Then, I was able to go out to Pisgah and ride on this beautiful day with one of my best friends in the whole world. Afterwards, I bought a Pepsi and fritos and ate them in the car after the ride. Got to love fritos and pepsi. A marriage of yumminess in my mouth. Returned home to a smiling and happy baby as she was waking up from her afternoon nap. Packed her up in the stroller and headed down to Carrier park to meet some of my mommy friends with babies around Ella's age, and  had a great time watching babies crawl all over each other. Returned home, fed the baby, got her ready for bed and then just had a nice dinner and enjoyed a beer with my hubby. Ahhhh, doesn't get any better than this.

Great blog on transracial adoption

This is a great blog written by an African American who was adopted and raised by white parents. He is a great writer and very insightful. He is also writing a book and it is almost finished. It is probably one I would like to read. Check out the blog if you have time.

http://mymindonpaper.wordpress.com

Is international adoption a form of consumerism?

This is an idea I have wrestling around with in my head. Is international adoption some form of imperialistic, American consumerism? We want to "buy" a baby? We want to choose the gender, we want to choose the skin color, we want to choose certain physical qualities. We want our family to look a certain way. We want to be exotic and have a "different" family. We want others to look at us and think, "wow, they have done such a great thing, taking a poor child with no other alternatives and raising them in our superior society."

This is a touchy and difficult subject I think. And this is a question that I do not have a great answer to at the moment. What drives us to look outside our borders to grow our families? Do we feel that is is "safer"? The child won't be taken from us by a birth parent who has changed her mind. We are also "safe" from having to deal with an open adoption. We don't want to share our child with another mother. We will feel better about ourselves, considering that we have performed something so "noble" as to adopt a child in need.

I can only examine my own heart and hope that my intentions are pure. Although I know there is some selfish aspects to our decision. As I said, this idea I have been wrestling around in my head for a while. What is driving me to want to look to another country to grow our family? At this point, here are my thoughts on the matter after serious contemplation.

We want to help a child in need. Are there children in need in this country? Yes. Many. But here comes the self admittedly selfish part. We want an infant so that we won't miss out on so much infant and baby fun and development. We want to minimize the amount of trauma and attachment issues that might come about from adopting an older child. Most of the need in the USA is adopting from the foster care system and likely we will be dealing with the before-mentioned issues. So, maybe a little bit selfish in that reasoning. Now, there is a need for families to adopt African American or biracial infants. Many of the adoption agencies actually offer decreased fees for these babies. But at this time, we are not certain that we are the best two people to raise an African American. There would be inherent issues that would arise, and issues to deal with concerning race and racism in America and that in and of itself is not much of a concern for us. But the problem is that we live in a predominantly white city and a predominantly white neighborhood and when we look around at our friends and neighbors, there is not much in the way of diversity of color. It is becoming much more common for white folks to adopt black babies and I am sure that once we went down that road, we would find ourselves drawn to and searching out support in our community. But at this point it is hard to see it around us.

So, that points us in the direction of international adoption. No one will argue with the fact that there are millions of babies and children around the globe that are in need of loving parents. The reasons are many, death and disease of parents, poverty and not being able to afford to feed another mouth, population control....

Yes, you can somewhat pick what you want your family to look like by deciding what country/ethnicity you wish to adopt from. There are Asian babies, African babies, Russian babies, Central American babies, the list goes on. It is almost like shopping for a baby. American consumerism? Or just leading with your heart? I think it is important to choose what you are drawn to. Is it wrong to be drawn to a certain look or characteristics? I think giving yourself every opportunity for complete and thorough bonding with the baby trumps the possible superficiality of desiring a certain look. If we weren't drawn to them, then we probably wouldn't adopt, maybe having more of our own babies to use more of the world's resources, or waiting in line to adopt a little white baby in the US. And there would be that many more babies and children suffering in the world without parents. There are so many variables to consider and ponder, but what it really boils down to is where is your heart leading you? And I think the answer lies there.

I would love any thoughts or comments on this from anyone out there that might be reading my blog.

Cutest little butt

I don't think I have ever seen anything as cute as Ella's little butt as she was crawling across the floor naked after her bath tonight. How can something so small just be so darn cute? I ask this, how? It is just a little being, unclothed, clean, sparkling and overflowing with life and exploring all that is around her. Crawl, one hand forward, then opposite knee.... slowly making it to her destination. So cute. No video of this, sorry.

Ella, Yogi, Waving

One more video for you fans out there. I know I just can't get enough. I am with her most days most of the day and still find myself watching the videos when she is sleeping. I think I am in love.

Ella and Dog water

Warning, if you are a germ-a-phob, you might not like this video. But come on, any video of Ella is worth watching.

Adoption cost

Do you know how much adoption costs?

A lot.

A whole lot.

Like, think of a number and then double it. Maybe triple it.

We are talking more money than I currently make in a year.

The average cost of adoption is about $20-25,000 either domestic or international. Some people end up paying $40-50,000! yowzahs! Ouch!

The current option we are pursuing is going to cost us about $35,000. Pocket change, right?

I am starting to wonder if people with our income do this. I guess I know that they do, but ouch! Where does that money come from? The federal tax credit will help. Hopefully end up paying for almost half, but we still have to front the money until we get the tax credit. And then there is the other half....
It just doesn't seem right to charge a baby on a credit card. The American way? Not for us. Eli would kill me. :) We are trying to get out of debt, not drown ourselves in more.

Grants? There are quite a few organizations that offer grant money for those in need. Here is a good list. We cannot apply until we have our home study though.... Well along our way into the process.... already committed to paying the exorbitant amount of money. How do you commit to something when you don't know where the money is going to come from? But you can't apply for the grants until you commit....What is up with that?
And then when you really start looking at the grant programs, there are quite a few that have pretty narrow eligibility criteria i.e. certain religious affiliations. Same with low/no interest loan programs.
Other options: home equity loans (what home equity?), borrowing against your 401K (not much there either), employee benefits (already checked that one - no), savings accounts (hm, that won't get us very far), fund raisers....now maybe that is an option. More thoughts on that one coming soon.

But really, one wonders, can we really afford to adopt? Why are we trying to do this when we can have our own? The answer is pretty simple to both questions. We can't afford to adopt a baby on our own. We need help. Be it grants, help from friends and family, low interest loans. Us adopting a baby is not just about us building our own immediate family. It is about helping out the world (I think, at least in my small view of things), and it is about bringing another person into our large family, including friends and extended family. We all benefit, right? And the answer to the second question is, it is just in our hearts, it is what we really, really want to do and it just feels right. But we can't do it on our own. We need help. Be it advice, contacts, emotional support, financial support, we need it all.
Thanks.