This is a touchy and difficult subject I think. And this is a question that I do not have a great answer to at the moment. What drives us to look outside our borders to grow our families? Do we feel that is is "safer"? The child won't be taken from us by a birth parent who has changed her mind. We are also "safe" from having to deal with an open adoption. We don't want to share our child with another mother. We will feel better about ourselves, considering that we have performed something so "noble" as to adopt a child in need.
I can only examine my own heart and hope that my intentions are pure. Although I know there is some selfish aspects to our decision. As I said, this idea I have been wrestling around in my head for a while. What is driving me to want to look to another country to grow our family? At this point, here are my thoughts on the matter after serious contemplation.
We want to help a child in need. Are there children in need in this country? Yes. Many. But here comes the self admittedly selfish part. We want an infant so that we won't miss out on so much infant and baby fun and development. We want to minimize the amount of trauma and attachment issues that might come about from adopting an older child. Most of the need in the USA is adopting from the foster care system and likely we will be dealing with the before-mentioned issues. So, maybe a little bit selfish in that reasoning. Now, there is a need for families to adopt African American or biracial infants. Many of the adoption agencies actually offer decreased fees for these babies. But at this time, we are not certain that we are the best two people to raise an African American. There would be inherent issues that would arise, and issues to deal with concerning race and racism in America and that in and of itself is not much of a concern for us. But the problem is that we live in a predominantly white city and a predominantly white neighborhood and when we look around at our friends and neighbors, there is not much in the way of diversity of color. It is becoming much more common for white folks to adopt black babies and I am sure that once we went down that road, we would find ourselves drawn to and searching out support in our community. But at this point it is hard to see it around us.
So, that points us in the direction of international adoption. No one will argue with the fact that there are millions of babies and children around the globe that are in need of loving parents. The reasons are many, death and disease of parents, poverty and not being able to afford to feed another mouth, population control....
Yes, you can somewhat pick what you want your family to look like by deciding what country/ethnicity you wish to adopt from. There are Asian babies, African babies, Russian babies, Central American babies, the list goes on. It is almost like shopping for a baby. American consumerism? Or just leading with your heart? I think it is important to choose what you are drawn to. Is it wrong to be drawn to a certain look or characteristics? I think giving yourself every opportunity for complete and thorough bonding with the baby trumps the possible superficiality of desiring a certain look. If we weren't drawn to them, then we probably wouldn't adopt, maybe having more of our own babies to use more of the world's resources, or waiting in line to adopt a little white baby in the US. And there would be that many more babies and children suffering in the world without parents. There are so many variables to consider and ponder, but what it really boils down to is where is your heart leading you? And I think the answer lies there.
I would love any thoughts or comments on this from anyone out there that might be reading my blog.
I admire the serious thought you've given this adoption decision. It is always hard to divine the purposes of our hearts. I often use "desires of the heart" and "the open door" to make serious and life altering decsions. Still I second guess myself. I believe that God puts desires in our hearts that are in accord with His will for our lives. I then follow the desire out by thorough research, much prayer and listening to wise counselors. (However that can sometimes muddy the waters because everyone has an opinion! ) Then if the desire stays constant after some time I look for the opening doors before me and begin to walk through them. Sometimes the door seems closed, but after knocking, it opens. I really think that if you are questioning yourself and your motives you won't go wrong. You are approaching the whole thing with humility. It is the very positive people who know exactly what they want and have a set agenda of how it is going to be (control issue folks, in other words) that have trouble when their expectations are not met.
ReplyDeleteThings rarely turn out as planned and children are such individuals that you never really know how it will turn out. That is true of birth children too, of course! Going with the child that you feel you would bond with most easily would be very important. And Eli needs to be in agreement of course, because father bonding sometimes lags behind mother bonding. What I wonder about is if the international adoption scene takes advantage of rich Americans and creates the consumer adoption culture. The prices seem exorbitant when so many children need homes!
Yes, I think probably there is some of that going on, the adoption "scene" can charge quite exorbitant amounts and the "rich" Americans continue to pay. It is always hard to keep ethics straight when that much money is involved. Are the agencies out for the best interests of the children or are they out to make a buck? I am sure that there are places that go both ways. It is so important to thoroughly research the agency before committing. Thanks for your thoughts.
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